Alley Oop:
Transport him a week into the future... brilliant. He could have already ruined your plans, if he wasn't Alley fckin Oop.
Andy Capp:
"Eat your vegetables or you'll end up like Andy Capp!" "Who?"
My head is going crazy - George Tiller was shot IN HIS CHURCH but I just saw Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi which is so far from that and this song is so catchy. Trying to rectify the two things is difficult. I never should have gotten online.
Hey all you people with nothing better to do on a Saturday! How've you been? Sorry 'bout that mix-up last week, but moving to a new location has really beaten the crap out of me.
Here's what we have this week.
Compu-Toon 5/27/09
As you may have noticed, I'm building a very poor rep for myself by posting at the last minute. I mean, heck, this might as well be an early Saturday morning post, it's so late. Alas, perhaps I should set a Scheduled Task to yell "TIME TO REVIEW!" at me in the wee hours of the morning on Friday so I don't forget... anyway, on to the reviewing!
Chuckle Bros 5-29-09
Okay, the snake on the right doesn't have "new fangled" technology... that's definitely "new-mustachio'd" technology right there. All he needs now is a cowboy hat, a rocking chair, and a banjo.
Close To Home 5-29
No. Baaaad Mr. McPherson. Correct caption: "If Margy had known her father would be videotaping the wedding, she never would have gone through with it." OR "Margy wished she'd known her father would be videoing the wedding." OR "Margy now knew not to let her father videotape anymore of her weddings."
Garfield 5-29
I sure hope Garfield likes spider guts, 'cause he ain't gonna be getting any candy outta that arachnid-pinata!
Garfield Minus Garfield
In the strip without Garfield, Jon seems to be angry at himself (angrily calling himself "Mr. Funnyman"), because he regularly manages to screw things up - like the simple task of leaning over to tie his own shoes. Poor, strange little man.
Original strip, last panel - Garfield: "I'm forging new frontiers, like being a compulsive liar. Because I just told you that I wasn't tying Jon's laces together anymore, and then I did! Hahahaha."
Shoe 5-29
This strip caught my eye, not for reviewing purposes, but because it reminded me of a situation I had with my employer last weekend. He's in his mid thirties, and he's an HR manager at a rather large company. He asked me to please write up a short report of an event that was going to take place. I did, and gave it to him. The next day I received an email from him - the report that I'd just typed up, except with about a thousand grammatical & spelling errors inserted here and there. Thank God he signed his name to it, and not mine. Ugh, people.
The Flying McCoys 5-29
Boy (thinks to himself): "Oh, mom, how can I learn to stroke breasts when I've barely begun learning to stroke my own-- OH, she means the swimming maneuver."
Next Friday, somebody please stop by my house and gently insert a carnivorous earwig into my ear to remind me to REVIEW EARLIER. Kthxbye.
Hey there! Yeah, you. Sorry for missing last week's newspost and Saturday. Moving will do that to a blogger. This week yields only slightly more news. Just one topic worth posting about.
From 5/24:
Spider-Man comic strip goes back the way it was
In a stunning reversal, The Amazing Spider-Man has decided that the last 5 months of story were all a dream and that Peter and MJ are still married. Shocking as the flip-flop is, the reason for doing it is even more surprising. They are claiming that the public flooded them with letters demanding that they return Spider-Man to his married life. I think they are lying and just wanted to go back for story purposes. No matter what the reason is, we can be sure that the strip will still be uninteresting and feature little to no action.
That's all this week, see you on the flip side.
Hello everybody in Library Land! It is I, your hostest with the mostest... books, Stella Tamzarian, Action Librarian. Its been an awesome week because I have been fighting the mighty hydra known as the internet for many days. I love the internet but I have yet to master its mysterious ways, such as how to develop a simple html page for the Library. Turns out, I'm hella stupid when it comes to things I've never done before. It burns me inside.
Anyway onto the comix!
Beetle Bailey, 5/22/2009
And we start this weekly report off with a glimpse of the Sarge's underpants, which as far as I know, have never been seen before. Probably for good reason. While I like my men as chubby and one toothed as they come, I didn't have any desire to see Sarge in his underpants. And they don't look Army issue either. According to my vast research of the United States Army*, underwear is pale green so these must be a birthday gift from Beetle.
Also this doctor seems to have a dark sense of humor, since he's making coy jokes about Sarge's aggressive heart disease.
* Watching Stripes 100 times
Family Circus, 5/23/2009
Take heed Thel, when a baby and a giant headed idiot-child are commenting on your wardrobe then you need to start making changes. That or start the beatings earlier in the morning. I recommend a bag of oranges. A sock full of Nickles for Jeffy.
Ziggy, 5/23/2009
No fashion review in this one, other than the fact that Ziggy walks around with his junk out due to his no pants but everyone knows that by now. No I'm talking about Ziggy's pet parrot wanting the news to be about Parrots, it reminds me of the Monty Python sketch where they DID have a news program for parrots and even an adapted version of A Tale of Two Cities, it was funny. So whenever I see Ziggy's parrot talk I always hear Terry Jones' nasally voice come out of its mouth and it makes me laugh till I pee.
Carry on.
Pluggers, 5/23/2009
You will never know true despair until the day you realize that you're a Plugger. I had this EXACT lunch today and now all I want to do is puke and puke until my pancreas comes shooting out of my mouth. Fuck you Pluggers! I'm not you! I'm not you!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh please, who am I kidding anymore. I'm a damn Plugger. Its been well established that I'm white trash. Sure maybe I believe in those elitist notions like readin and other kinds of book learnins but the truth bites me in the face like a hungry rat whenever I read Pluggers and recognise myself in it. Damn you Brookins, why do you have to make Pluggerisms so general that everyone has to share in this pain? Have you no soul?
Heathcliff, 5/22/2009
Which one? The cat or the dangerous lunatic in the tutu? Gramps really needs to remember to take his meds.
The Lockhorns, 5/26/2009
Usually the Lockhorns aren't that difficult to understand. The wife and the husband hate each other beyond the point of reconciliation. They would like to leave the marriage but now they stay out of spite to one another. Each one knows that they won't be able to find someone else if they get a divorce and they are also acutely aware that they are now damaged goods and would destroy whomever is foolish enough to fall in love with them at this stage in their life. So now the only happiness they find is in hurting each other. They even include their friends and neighbors in their personal descents into madness, a kind of game ala Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?.
But the focus of this comic doesn't seem to be about their horrible, horrible relationship. I think its a thinly veiled joke about Jesus. You know, the Carpenter ants and how they don't know when they'll come back. I'd say three days my good man. Maybe Loretta represents Mary Magdalene, she's a like hooker since she takes Leroy's money in exchange for the prostitution instilled in the institution of marriage. And Leroy represents Judas, because he's an asshole.
Well that's all for this week folks. Be good to one another and remember to wash your army issued underwear! Good night y'all!
Party people! If I didn't know that cartoonists submit their strips weeks, sometimes months in advance, I would have thought they were reading my super-popular reviews (12 hits yesterday!) and pissing me off on purpose.
Archie
So, you saw my Dr. I. M. Smart complaint, and raised me a Dr. Barry Cuda? Touche, Archie creators, touche.
B.C.
B-but...that's even less how Twitter works than yesterday's lame strip. It has nothing to do with pronouncing words with a speech impediment!! ARGHH!!
I couldn't agree more, Mr. Snail in the last panel, I couldn't agree more.
Family Circus
Family Circus, on the other hand, saw me compliment yesterday's super-hot babe edition, and mocked me by providing...yes, another garage sale strip, but with no hot chicks, and not even a joke. I mean seriously...I Think Ma Keane is making reasonable request.
You know, maybe that lady in purple holding the vase wouldn't be too bad after a couple...
I'm done.
Jorge
Party people!
This is my day off, so let's get right down to it...
Zits
You ever wonder why the Zits mom and the Momma mom don't team up on their two male children for maximum Oedipus-creeposity?
9 Chickweed Lane
Anyone wanna take a stab at explaining this strip to me? Not today's in particular, just what the hell is the point of it? At least with the 70-year old legacy soap strips, you have a plodding - ableit lame - storyline, some rising action, a pseudo-conflict, and a schmaltzy resolution. Now, I've forced myself to follow 9 Chickweed Lane for the past few weeks, and it's basically consisted of 30 different ways of showing the following: A dork finally getting laid by a slut, some closeted cross-dressing dude trying on high-heels, and...yeah, that's about it.
Apartment 3G
Wow, you gotta give Tommie credit for at least trying to give a shit about Gary leaving town, what with her shouting "DENVER?!" all surprised-like, but then her boredom of both him and his network systems career path forces her slip into unconsciousness by panel three.
B.C.
Now that every cartoonist and their brother has made a joke about Twitter, beaten it to death, really; one of the few comics where you thought you'd never have to see one, B.C., spends two panels establishing Twitter NOT as an internet social networking site invented 10,000 years later, but instead as a gossiping flightless bird, finally working up to calling the fat cavewoman a gossip herself. So, if you're reading this B.C. and you know what Twitter really is, the comic doesn't make sense, and if you're reading this B.C. and you don't know what Twitter really is, then the setup is the same as the punchline and there is zero payoff.
Dick Tracy
I don't know how Dick Locker, Jim Brozman, and dozens of others who are putting food on the table by draining every last penny out of the Frankentracy franchise can NOT expect us to take this strip as tongue-in-cheek. "Time to cash in your chips, Tracy!" ??? ... "You killed my sister, the Queen of Diamonds!" ??? Someone named "One-eye" ??? Seriously, this is something you'd see on Adult Swim. Therefore, I have to convince myself that the authors know this is all completely ridiculously dated, and will henceforth laugh ironically WITH them, and not AT them for being talentless hacks. Ha ha haha.
Family Circus
Booyah! Yes!! Oh man, who would have thought a Family Circus strip - much less a Family Circus strip with a week-long garage sale storyline would have such an awesome payoff?
Not only is Big Daddy Keane giving a 50% discount to a smoking H-O-T babe, but your mind is left to imagine Miss Thing explaining to our grinning salesman that she really has no use for the lamp part, but could really use a bing strong man to install the pole in her bedroom and give her constructive feedback on her competitive pole-dancing skills.
Well, that's what my mind was left to anyway. Look, even the french gnome statue sitting on the table next to Mrs. Keane is getting off on it.
Hi & Lois
And after a 55 year-long run in the funny papers, Hi & Lois goes out with a bang by having son Ditto drown in a swimming pool filled with crude petroleum while Mom, Dad, and Sis crack wise. R.I.P., guys.
Mark Trail
Allow me to summarize today's developments:
Dick: "Let's find out why animals are dying in Lost Forest."
Doc: "We need to know why animals are dying in Lost Forest."
Dick: "Uh, yeah, I just SAID I'm going to find out why animals are dying in Lost Forest."
Dick: "Oh, and I'm not only going to find out why, I'm going to find out the CAUSE. Wait, I guess that's the same thing."
One Big Happy
(Spoiler alert!) Inspired by the twist-ending in Psycho, the One Big Happy gang pass their time by conversing with the stuffed-corpse of Miss Avis, who they pose in comical poses, such as this one where she appears to be staring at a raffle ticket and having a conversation. Ha ha, those crazy kids!
Er...am I thinking of Weekend at Bernie's?
I'm done.
Jorge
Alley Oop:
Wait, what? Don't tell me I'm starting to care about the plot...
Andy Capp:
I like this one - they both look happy.
So is he a crappy fisher or does she know he doesn't actually go fishing? Not quite sure what's going on, but again, I like that they seem happy with each other.
So hey everybody, sorry about last week's hiatus but things have been going down in Library land. I've been working at a Historical Society as well as the Library so I have been, as the kids say, ass busy. Most of my free time these days is spent watching Trailer Park Boys on Youtube, which is fucking awesome and from Canada. Sorry again about the short posts but the life of the Librarian is full of 'splosions and excitin' stuff, you all know that.
9 Chickweed Lane, 5/14/2009
How irritating is this "love story"? Is anyone else tired of seeing a blond drama queen making out with an aspergersy, spazz monster? I know their love is supposed to be eccentric, artsy and interesting but its actually quite annoying to watch. And now Amos is laying on the ground trying to catch a glimpse of Edda's vagina, nice, real classy. Maybe this sophisticated love is above my understanding. Where I come from love develops over a 12 pack of Bud Light and an unexpected pregnancy, LIKE GOD INTENDED!
Dinette Set, 5/19/2009
You know, I'm kind of surprised that Jerry isn't strutting around without a towel on since he's usually so casual about showing off the goods. And you'd think with all the body hair he would kind of grow his own natural towel that would cover his junk. And where the hell are they where every fat hairy guy runs around naked? Well except for at Bear Party (probably NSFW), Detroit on July 11th! Come if you love hairy man boobies.
Drabble, 5/18/2009
That ski mask really goes to show how big the heads of the folks on Drabble really are. Or maybe their necks are just really small because basically the guy looks like a penis.
Heart of the City, 5/21/2009
When I was in high school I played the Bass Clarinet, which was basically a bastard son of a clarinet and a saxophone. I wanted to be as cool as the saxophone players but all I knew was how to play the goddamn clarinet so there I was. I was also the ONLY person who played bass clarinet so when they wanted to add a separate Clarinet solo song; A Whole New World from Aladdin, they forced me to be in it. Long story short, I totally sucked and now I'm scared for life so this comic bothers me quite a bit. Also kids shown with their pants down? Something about this seems highly illegal, or at the very least just kind of fucked up.
Mary Worth, 5/19/2009
Good lord the clothes they have over in Santa Royale are absolutely hideous! The blog Mary Worth, Style Maven showcases all of the horrible clothes in this strip because she sews certain pieces herself, including the fine hounds tooth Capri pants worn by Toby during her incident with identity fraud. Bad fashion tends to follow the characters in Mary Worth like fraud because the newly single Dr. Adrian is sporting a pink Rorschach test to wear on her date with the Detective. What are the odds that he'll show up wearing some fine ass Sansabelt slacks made for a man 40 years his senior.
So there we are kids. Keep your noses clean and go buy some Sansabelt slacks. Have a good weekend y'all!
Let me firstly apologize for posting at ten-thirty in the evening, when all your comic-review-eagerness has pretty much faded. It was finals week at my college, and although I dearly love reviewing comics, my leech of an education decided to bite me in the face and hang on tightly. As it is, I've decided to review more comics in a desperate attempt to make up for the late update. All comics are from today, May 20th. Enjoy.
9 to 5
Okay, so dude. Those are some of the lyrics of the chorus, the actual song is called "Sixteen Tons." I suppose I'm one of the few people in the world who know that, but jeeze, research it before you put it in your comic.
Also, that must be a mockingbird - if I were a bird sitting in a tree without a care in the world, I would totally mock the idiotic human in a plaid suit on his way out the door to work. I mean, really. Nyah nyah. The bird has every right to gloat.
Brewster Rockit
Wouldn't that be awful? Until now, I never really thought about how fast a "Fear Epidemic" would spread. If people were afraid of fear, you'd get scared, and then become afraid of your own fear, and people would be afraid of your fear, and you'd be afraid of theirs, and...
ugh, makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. Okay, Brewster Rockit, you've ruined my evening; happy?
Domestic Abuse
...but the two ice cream cones didn't, as their story was rather beautiful just as it happened. Besides, they had no mouths to talk about it anyway. However, if they could have spoken, this is the story they'd tell...
You see, Mr. Chocolate was sitting quietly at home, in an old dusty chair, studying a crossword puzzle, when the phone rang. He answered it (somehow) and to his dismay was informed that his Great Auntie Vanilla had taken ill and melted. He quickly threw on his overcoat and caught the next train to Creamy Town.
It was a stormy night, and lightning hit a cow on the tracks, killing it instantly. The conductor on the train saw this, and hit the emergency switch, grinding the train wheels against the tracks with a loud squeal. Alas, it was not in time, for the train hit the dead cow, splattering blood and cow parts all over the windshield of the train. This marred the windshield wipers so much that they couldn't move, which prevented the conductor from noticing that the bridge was out ahead. Even though the train was slowing down, it wasn't doing so fast enough, and the train careened off the broken bridge into the swirling turmoil of water below. As water began filling the inside of the train car, Mr. Chocolate frantically looked around for a way to escape. He suddenly noticed that a damsel, lying unconscious in the seat across from him, was in distress - the water was nearly to the top of her cone. Somehow, in the chaos, he managed to grab hold of her and kick out a window, sucking them both out into the swirling maelstrom. As he paddled them toward the nearest bank of the river, the rest of the train was lost in the depths of the watery abyss.
As they reached land, he heaved her delicate, fragile form onto the grass, crawling up beside her, gasping. He never did make it to his Great Auntie Vanilla's funeral, but in her death, he found Strawberry. Their love blossomed and they were soon married.
It's All About You
Hm... what religion is that? If she's that accepting of religion, I want to marry this girl. I think it's against my religion to not recieve a sexual favor after each meal. Eh?
Pardon My Planet
It must be her krypto-nightie that's giving her power over him; it's certainly not her death-warmed-over FACE! Good grief, she's spooky.
Pooch Cafe
If he were smart, he could avoid the whole situation by either taking off the collar or tying a knot in the leash about five feet from his neck. Or, y'know, chewing through the leash or something.
Real Life Adventures
...There are also certain objects that you might find on a locker room floor that no one in their right mind would ever pick up... for example, hypodermic needles, condoms, boxers, and definitely hemorrhoidal cream. Ew. I sure hope it was still in a tube.
The Argyle Sweater 
Before guns, they used insults... and before cars, they used perfectly round rocks with perfectly round holes in them?
Also, I thought mammoths lived in cold areas. Hence "The Woolly Mammoth." You never hear about "The Clean-Shaven Desert Mammoth."
The Duplex
Okay, so I'm instituting a new rule into the Comics rulebook: when you draw a comic in which everything normally has freakishly mutant proportions, you're not allowed to make fun of hairstyles that are only slightly off-kilter. I mean, dude - the guy's nose is 20 times thicker than his legs and arms, and the lower portion of his face is as tall as his torso. This makes his so-called leafblown hairstyle seem reletively decent.
W.T. Duck
Good lord. I will never print in CMYK color mode ever again.
Man, Xerox is going to be in such an awful lawsuit when PETA hears about this.
Lio
My conclusion about Lio today is that that isn't any old Dreamland, that's Wet Dreamland. I mean, why else would it be adults-only?
Cleats
Yeah, it's because your eyes are normally larger than your friggin' BRAIN, and you look funny with gigantic goggles on, you horribley-illustrated sports freak!
And the kid on the right is never going to get kissed unless he files down that upper lip. Wowsers.
To all of you college-going students out there, good luck with finals if they happen to fall on this miserable week! But don't study too much; make sure you stop back by the DCR to help fry your brain now and then.
Mahalo.
Party people! Man, I went from no updates to 2 days in a row. Well, I'll do my best to deliver the goods...or in this case the bads! Haha! Herb and Jamaal joke!
Family Circus
They like to watch? Er...what exactly does a Keane garage sale consist of? Mrs. Keane playing stairway on the acoustic? An orgy? Their feeble attempt at a wholesome joke would have been funnier if Billy had said: "They don't have any money, but they like to window shop."
Hey, I said funnier. Doesn't Mrs. Keane look pissed, by the way? She's so fed up, she doesn't even make eye contact with her litter anymore.
Dennis the Menace
What the...another pissed-off Mom! Now, is Alice pissed off because she was just about to get busy with Henry, or simply because Dennis is having trouble accepting his banishment to the backyard?
Um...whatever-your-name-is-with-the-dated-hair: I know humor theory tells us that the best joke comes from a set-up in threes, but Al Qaeda are Islamofascists and terrorists. You're redundantly describing one group as a three. Not to mention, this subject hasn't been topical in at least 7 years. Sheesh, boot this legacy strip to the curb already, willya?
Archie
What the! Betty's heart has leapt right out of her body!! Or she just has a 3-dimensional t-shirt patch. Either way, freaky.
Plus, check the author of Milton's textbook...Dr. I. M. Smart. Man, I want to punch the smug look off both the author and reader's face.
I'd better quit before I get too violent. Until next week...I'm done.
Jorge
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