Where Is Everybody?

Well, it seems that my fellow writers have abandoned me. I don't know what has become of them, but I shall soldier on and try to do the daily thing solo, as a brave young blogger once did many months ago. Perhaps someone will join me in my quest to find the worst of the good and the best of the bad.

Here's your regularly scheduled comics bashing.


Prickly City 6/30/09

Wait, people still watch network TV news? Don't they have the internet?



Gasoline Alley 6/30/09

I don't know what's going on here, but I like that ass-shot. If there's anything that comic strips need more of, I think we can all agree that it's ass-shots.



Bound and Gagged 6/30/09

Is this ironic or just lame?



The Boiling Point 6/30/09

Fact: Most things in your local grocery store are not bad for you and are not created by slave labor.

This is a fact that this creator has chosen to ignore in order to make a joke about the unaffordability of "organic food" and the questionable safety of products that do not exist. Believe me, there is no such food as cow bits. I've looked.

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Saturday Is Not For Children

Welcome to the Saturday edition of the DCR. There are some real good ones this week. We're back on track after last weeks snafu.

The Argyle Sweater 6/23/09

As an amoral prick, I agree wholeheartedly with the Anti-Praying Mantis. For too long has the interesting insect been portrayed as something that it may not be. Until we can effectively communicate with them to ask them their views on religion, I propose that we change the name of the praying mantis to the razor-armed mantis.



Frog Applause 6/24/09

Assuming that the bear can't talk, this means that the child's imagination told the child to do something that it doesn't understand. This is troubling because the mind cannot tell itself to do something if it has no concept of what that something is.

Also, I'm pretty sure that this comic is pedophilic in nature. Small children and masturbation is never a good road to go down. Unless you want to go to jail and be an outcast for the rest of your life.



Bound and Gagged 6/26/09

I like where this one is going, but I think it could have go further. Why not go all the way and have it be a clit ring? And a cock ring for the groom. The reactions from the crowd suggest that was the original caption.

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TGTWIFO

What is up my people? This is Friday style comics reviews for your reading pleasure. Perhaps you would like to leave a comment about what you like most about my reviews. Or you could say something petty and foolish. That's the DCR way.


Broom Hilda 6/26/09

Why is that plateau(?) answering her first question and the kid answering the second? Did the artist really want to draw all those weird shapes so much that he sacrificed normal placement of the word bubble? What an asshole.



Speaking of assholes:

Cleats 6/26/09

Hm, I wonder who it could possibly be that they are talking about. Why didn't they just come out and say it? It's pretty obvious they mean The Comics Curmudgeon, they didn't really try to disguise the fact. And he pretty much always has legitimate complaints (unlike me). Also, he's not anonymous.

That's a good point the soccer ball brings up though. How are they talking without mouths, or vocal cords, or tongues, or brains. Should have made them thought bubbles, that would have saved a lot of time.



Wee Pals 6/26/09

Really? They discovered one of the most visible people in the world has gray hair? How did they discover that? By sending an undercover journalist to follow the President around? I hate 24 hour news.

Also, why is the black wee pal wearing a Civil War cap?

Oh, and no, the President isn't black enough. He doesn't listen to rap, the Presidential limo doesn't have hydraulics, and he isn't strapped. How can you be black and not have any of those things?


Meaning of today's post title: Thank God This Week Is Fucking Over.

Don't forget to come back tomorrow.

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Death Surrounds Us

Not much to report tonight. Sad news or happy, if you're a heartless bastard.


The King of Pop is dead. Apparently from a heart attack in his home. I don't really no anything else or care for that matter. Michael Jackson may have be a weird mofo but he was still the most popular performer for a long time.

Farrah Fawcett has also passed. Her death is not unexpected because of her much publicized battle with cancer.

Next week will have comic related news, I hope.

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He Lives In A Pineapple . . .

Hm. I really don't have anything to say for the beginning paragraph today. I guess that means less time reading and more time laughing for you.


Lio 6/24/09

Awesome. But I thought that Spongebob lived under the sea. And Lio clearly does not have an underwater setting. It may be small, but it's an inconsistency that bugs the crap out of me.



Cul de Sac 6/24/09

I've been trying, but I can't wrap my mind around the concept of a 'demonstrative bladder'. Wouldn't that be a bladder that works normally?

I'm going to say something positive for a change too: I really like when the panels all flow to make a single background.



Last Kiss 6/24/09

I've never seen this comic before and I am not impressed. This is a very common setup and it would make only a stupid person laugh. But since you need some intelligence to understand the joke, it makes no one laugh.

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Why Does Everyone Always Leave Me?

Greetings people of the internet. We apologize for the lack of dailyness at the Daily Comic Review over the past few days, there were quite a few circumstances that all came up at the same time.

Patrick of the Friday review has had to leave us due to other obligations. We look forward to the time when he returns.

Stella of the Thursday review is currently overloaded at her place of work and shall remain so for an undetermined amount of time.

And I was out of the country on family business until just yesterday.

What all that means is that we are down to a two man rotation during the work-week and a two person rotation on the weekend. Not that anyone cares about the weekend. Things look to be back on track for the time being, however, I can make no promises about the future. With my luck, Jorge and Kaitlyn will leave and I'll be stuck with the whole thing myself until Bryce and Stella are relieved of their real-life duties.

But you probably didn't read any of that anyway, so here's where the comics start today.

Domestic Abuse 6/23/09

So many options before me and yet, so few. After all, I can only choose one way to make fun of any particular comic and this one clearly points in one direction.

Lubricants always lead to friction. The good kind of friction. The kind on your penis and/or vagina. Maybe your ass, if you're into that kind of thing.



Frog Applause 6/23/09

Umm, okay? So the dog won the lottery and now his owners are abandoning him? I'm really lost on this one.



Loose Parts 6/23/09

Lucky for them they don't have any thumbs or fingers to pull the trigger.

Also, how did they order the gum/gun if they don't know how to read? And where did they get the money?

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Finish this line...

Party people! What up, yo? how's it going, G? Fantastic, sport! Onward and upward hither ye tither ye?

Archie

Oh, that silly Archie editor! Here it is, late June, and he went ahead and pulled a little ol' April Fool's joke on the writer by changing the punchline!

You see it used to say "He offered Mrs. Lodge and Veronica as sex slaves!"

Well, that's the only plausible explanation I can come up with for the look of sheer horror on both Betty and Pop Tate's faces.

Blondie

"And another thing - did you know they don't allow atheists to join?"

Crankshaft

Ah, so the stupidity gene does skip a generation.

"What does a red-letter day mean"...you a flippin idiot! Makes sense that you were rejected by Bowling Green, Ohio State, and Cleveland State; and are one of the few people thrilled to be accepted into Kent.

Hi & Lois

"...and by 'club' I mean 'affair."

Mary Worth

Oh no!! Between panels 1 and 2, Mary drank the Holy Grail from the wrong chalice and is rapidly aging before our very eyes!!! Soon she'll be nothing but a bag of rotten bones and hair! ...even more so!

Bye ladies!

Jorge

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Mayhem is the Man-Fish

Sorry about the lateness of today's post. I was caught up making arrangements for things. I won't be around until next week. I'm sure that the fill-ins will be quite satisfactory.


Here's what we have today.

Ballard Street 6/17/09

Being incredibly random does not mean that you have made a funny joke. Purple, bamboo, football. See? That was as random as can be and it wasn't funny at all.



B.C. 6/17/09

This is the second time I've seen 'FUNK' used as a sound effect. I still have no idea what real-life sound it is supposed to represent. Anyone have an idea.

The comic as a whole is quite lame but is so standard that it doesn't deserve to be ridiculed.



Agnes 6/17/09

Is it really necessary to have a Mexican party to have a pinata? And what is this 'new religion' that they're talking about? From what I can tell, almost all religions are pretty much the same regardless of how old they are. Although the older ones tend to have a more relaxed attitude than the newer ones.

I congratulate you if you have any idea where today's post title comes from.

Mike, you don't get congratulated since you already know.

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Knowing Is Half The Battle

What is up comic haters? Welcome to the Tuesday edition of the Daily Comics Review. Today we have 2 comics that suck and 1 that sees my inner nerd come out. Unfortunately only 2 reviews are of the funny sort, the last one is more of an attempt at making peace between 2 war-torn factions.


Loose Parts 6/16/09

And how were you using them? Because they aren't meant to go in any orifice other than your ears. If you wanted ass plugs you should just go buy those. It'll be cheaper in the end.



Non Sequitur 6/16/09

Which leads to the most brutal domestic murder in history. And that leads to the longest murder trial in history. And the verdict leads to the biggest riots in American history. Which leads to nationwide martial law being declared. Which leads to the loss of all freedom. And that leads to a revolution that leaves the country without an organized government. And that leads to unsupervised nuclear weapons. Which, of course, leads to worldwide destruction.

And that's why you should never use this joke.



Eek! 6/16/09

Actually, both stories have merit.

Star Wars is a classic story of a small group of people fighting for freedom against a tyrannical government on the outside with the story of a son redeeming his father on the inside. Pure storytelling doesn't get much better.

Star Trek is the vision of what the future of our own race might be. Humans traveling the stars exploring the wonders of the galaxy and being a voice of peace instead of the mongrel of war-hungry nations that we are today. There isn't a better vision of what might realistically be possible for our species.

Both series of movies and TV shows also have their downsides, which I don't need to mention because we all know what they are. (prequel triology, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Enterprise)

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Party people!

Blondie

Man, the funniest part of Dagwood's day, and we miss it. So how do you think that limerick went?

There once was a penguin from Soho,
Who went to a Japaense dojo,
He ordered the squid,
Yes that's what he did,
But found that its taste was just so-so.

Yeah, lame as hell, but I deplore you: what rhymes with Soho?

Hi and Lois

Did we...uh...miss a panel or two there? Were we supposed to know that the family was all waiting on Hi for something? Is it just a weak-ass battery pun? What, mothertrucker, what?!

Mark Trail

Nobody can string out a storyline like Mark Trail. At last, the photos are being presented to the CEO! Will she appear shocked, claiming to have never seen these waste drums before? Will she kick Mark out of her office, stupidly implicating herself? Will she bitchslap Mark, forcing his brain into an infinite loop? "Cannot solve a problem without violence...cannot hit a girl...aughh!" Maybe he'll call Cherry in to do his dirty work? Girl fight! Yeah!

Stay tuned to Mark Trail, where we should see her ultimate reaction sometime in September.

Doneski guys...later!

Jorge

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Sunday June 14th

Alley Oop:



"If he doesn't regain consciousness" = if I killed him

Oscar's learned some things while he was away. (In jail? I forgot.)

For something with a lot of action, this is taking forever.

Andy Capp:



This is not a mere comic, it is a portrait of ennui. Why else would we get a panel of the main character walking along an unchanging fence? To stretch out a weak joke? Ha! Mahoney and Kettle are artistes! They wouldn't do that.

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Old People And Technology Is Not A Funny Joke Anymore

Saturday has come again. It is getting increasingly hard to think of something to write at the beginning of my posts. Maybe I'll have something better the next time. For now you should just read the comics and the commentary. Does anyone read this first paragraph anyway?

The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee 6/8/09

I think it's about time to retire the 'old people don't understand computers' joke. It was old ten years ago. And what does that old guy need a computer for anyway? It can't be for porn because he probably hasn't had an erection since the Carter administration.



Ben 6/9/09

Actually today is Saturday, but whatever.

I can't tell if Ben is right or wrong. In the context of the question, he is wrong. But in relationship to when the comic was printed, he is right. Maybe the answer was given in one of the other comics this week, but I don't feel like looking it up.



Trevor 6/11/09

You know why you can't contact him? There are two possible reasons: 1. He hates you and wants you to be assaulted by Marmaduke. 2. He is dead in his basement, rotting because he never went outside and no one has ever seen him in person.



Popeye 6/12/09

Yes Olive, the ocean is quite wet. In fact you could say that it's the wettest place that you could possibly be.

Also, the termites didn't like the spinach can because it isn't made of wood. Termites don't eat metal.

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These Comics Suck, Buster

Greetings to you on this glorious Friday. There is some comic snark for you to read, if you so choose to read it. And if you don't, then go away this is clearly not the place for you.


Funky Winkerbean 6/12/09

Because the only joy worth feeling is the kind that comes at someone else's expense.

Also, no one says 'buster' anymore. Not even old people.

Also also, I will live forever and never learn that my day is coming so take that Funky, you big prick.



Todd the Dinosaur 6/12/09

I think the writer forgot that twitter is no longer associated with being excited and is now a culture fad that involves saying as little as possible in as few as possible characters. In any case, the comic is still not funny.



Shoe 6/12/09

I don't really get it. Did he purchase a bus? Or did his bus fare cost $250,000? If the latter is true then I hope they give out free champagne and caviar.

Also, is the blue bird not wearing any clothes? That seems odd since all the other birds in the Shoe universe wear clothes. Are they at a nudist bar or something?



The Fusco Brothers 6/12/09

What exactly would beer insurance do? Provide financial assistance in case you drink a bad beer? That doesn't seem likely. And how much would beer insurance cost? It seems like it would be cheaper to just enjoy high quality beers and avoid the crappy stuff.

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Actual News From The Newsdesk!

And now we actually have some late breaking news. The last few weeks have been slow in the news front, but the last week has had everyone abuzz. The culprit? An editorial cartoonist. If racism makes you sick to your stomach, don't click on the link.


From 6/9/09:
Cartoonist Draws A Stupid Cartoon

Honestly. How can a professional be so stupid? There are only a few rules in editorial cartooning. One of them is that you can't draw Hispanics as pinatas (one that we learned a few months ago is that you can't insinuate that a monkey is African-American). Personally, I am not offended but that's only because I'm never offended. I can plainly see why others would be, and are, offended. This is a racist cartoon that likely only serves to stir up controversy for the cartoonist and the paper that printed it. I charge you with the task of not falling for it. Don't be upset, that's exactly what they want you to do. The cartoonist wants people to get angry because it will drive interest in what he's doing. The best way to ensure this stops happening is to simply ignore this cartoonist and stop giving him the attention he obviously wants.


From 6/10/09:
Pantless Duck Is Really Old

On the lighter side, Donald Duck has now passed the 75 year mark. I can feel your excitement through my monitor.

Have yourself a nice day and don't forget to stop by tomorrow for your comic review needs.

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My Computer's On the Fritz.

...I sure hope the Fritz is enjoying it. I don't think he is.

But seriously, my Franken-PC-running-linux is on its last legs here. It's very fragile and sensitive, like an old person. Or rather, a very young child. Either way it's dying. That's why I'm doing the Wednesday review instead of Friday; tomorrow I begin the backup process & begin rebuilding on a new machine. So YOU lucky ducks get to listen to my mindless drivel TODAY!!
Much gratitude to XY who's offered to take over the Friday review, btw.

Annie 6/10











Okay, seriously? Surely Annie and the person right behind her would've noticed that Frisco was scared wayyyyy before the actual jump. Then they would've taken the appropriate action (push Frisco out of the boxcar before them) and this mess wouldn't have happened. By the time she jumps, she'll be miles away and probably land on a barbed-wire fence or something.

Cleats 6-10












Yeah, because the correct course of action when one is irresponsible is to physically abuse the people around you. Ginger there should dump the wormy-gooey bait all over Annoying Kid, shouting "THERE'S your repellant! Happy?!" Or maybe just hook him "by accident." Heh heh heh.

Compu-Toon 6/10

























"I'm going to have to fire you now, because you obviously forgot that in this day and age, people can (a) get other productive work done DURING a download, and (b) you can lock your computer and leave for the night during a download as well."
Is it just me, or does the boss have three glasses lenses? Nice placement of the doorknob, Charles.

Foxtrot 6/10












Is it just me, or do I seem to remember Bob Fox igniting the grill in a previous strip? Sigh... when will he ever learn? Oh wait, I forgot, playing with fire is fun. Rock on pyromaniacs everywhere!

The Middletons 6/10











"On second thought, let's mug someone else. This elderly, overweight woman seems to be able to yell obnoxiously and twirl her cane around, which I honestly don't think I can handle. Because we are The Middletons, and we are complete wusses!"

Finally, I give you a panel of Bad Reporter that made me audibly laugh, which rarely happens when I read comics as of late:



















Well, I'll be back next Friday, hopefully on a new Frankencomp that's actually alive.
Until then, mahalo.

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You Don't Know Dick

Welcome one and all, to another scintillating edition of The Daily Comics Review. Today you'll find old ladies doing things you really don't want to see them doing, a really old strip that has clearly gone insane, and some other really boring comic that is terrible. Enjoy!



The Middletons 6/9/09

Thing number 4 you don't want to catch your mother doing: surfing porn sites with only one hand.

That's a pretty weird fetish too. I don't think I've ever heard of people screwing pastries. I know that some people like food, but I had no idea that there were sub-groups within the food fetish.



Dick Tracy 6/9/09

Is it really necessary to tell the reader that Dick is disguising his voice? Maybe we aren't the smartest people in the world, but give us a little credit. I'm pretty sure more people are confused by the explanation than by what Dick is actually doing.

Also, his name is Dick, hehe.



It's All About You 6/6/09

I agree, you should be other people because you are both really, really boring and lame. If one of you was a hero or a villain, or at least homeless or something, this strip might actually be of interest to people.

That's all for today. Come back tomorrow. Or else.

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Sunday June 7th

Alley Oop:



Um, this is getting kind of interesting.

Or it would if something happened. This is like Spider-Man seeing a criminal and going home to watch TV.

Andy Capp:



Wow. I'm so glad they kept their British essence - at first I thought he was talking about her weight!

Beyond that, this makes no sense - was Andy going to charge her 20, 15, or 10 pounds to cut her hair?

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